CPVI used to work as an advisor on safeguarding! I never believed I would become at risk myself from my own child. I became more vulnerable as she became bigger and more controlling, I also had a long term medical condition that made me tired and wobbly and off balance at times.
Anger or "red mist" has always been an issue, but became worse when she got to 11. Unfortunately she becomes angry very quickly and finds it difficult to recognise the signs and try to calm herself down. Her angry response would normally be vile,hateful language and throwing the nearest thing to hand. The thrown object could be something she cared about like a phone and at someone she cared about like us, but in that red mist moment logical thinking does not happen. Kicking, pushing, slapping and gripping arms until they hurt and bruised were also common.
The most common triggers for the red mist are being told "no", things not going to plan or confiscation of an electronic device. However the reaction does depend slightly on how she is doing at school, what friends she has and how happy or not she is generally with life.
Over the last couple of years, she is now nearly 15, we have had support from CAMHS, an adoption support social worker and another family therapist. We have also attended Safebase training and post adoption support groups. Things are starting to improve, we have taken bits of advice and support from all above and amalgamated many different approaches - one size never fits all as they say.
We recognise signs of red mist, give her time to cool down in her own space, we let her slam the door and swear and pretend to ignore as complaining adds fuel to the fire. If she gets angry we quickly withdraw, attempting to calm or make physical contact winds her up further. Certain hotspots in the house have had potential big throwing items put elsewhere, eg Hoover never left out on landing anymore, bookcase not by her bedroom door, tv mounted higher on wall. We try to also ignore smaller misdemeanours, giving more attention and praise than previously for positive behaviour. she finds verbal praise hard to take so post it notes and cards are used a lot, cards are treasured and put in her keepsake box or stuck to her wall. We try to always be consistent as a partnership and certain family "rules" are written down. She has timetable for getting to school, timetable for school, timetable for getting to bed. She needed more structure and less unpredictability. she also has a statement at school now and is being treated for previously undiagnosed ADHD. She is going to a new club and has made some friends. We have found out more about her birth parents which has been shared with her.
Things do still flare up, and I still feel like I am walking on eggshells much of the time, but I have had no bruises for over a year and less things have been broken. Things are calmer for all and she is happier which makes us all happier.
A week ago she insisted on watching a program - "Born Naughty" On TV. I watched it with her, although I often avoid these programs. She watched carefully and made lots of comments and said "I know how they (the children) feel, I feel poorly after I get angry I don't like it. I worry and that is why I get angry. I can't believe I used to be as bad as that - shocking. I feel better now we are all getting help."
I feel somewhat concerned about writing this post due to the subject matter, as I know one day she will read my blog posts and I do not want her to be upset, that is partly why I write under a "pseudonym". However I thought it was important to share and show that things can improve and change, hopefully permanently. At times I used to be in a very sad place feeling very isolated, I want others to know it is alright to share and ask for help,and I hope you get it. Organised help (and Twitter of course!) have made a big difference to me in particular and of course to my daughter.
She does still blow up, but it is now less frequently and involves less damage to all involved physically and emotionally.
Today I get a lovely card from her, picture attached 😊.
Just as I am posting this she has thrown her kindle against her wardrobe and broken it.😔
