CPV

CPV

I used to work as an advisor on safeguarding! I never believed I would become at risk myself from my own child. I became more vulnerable as she became bigger and more controlling, I also had a long term medical condition that made me tired and wobbly and off balance at times.

Anger or "red mist" has always been an issue, but became worse when she got to 11. Unfortunately she becomes angry very quickly and finds it difficult to recognise the signs and try to calm herself down. Her angry response would normally be vile,hateful language and throwing the nearest thing to hand. The thrown object could be something she cared about like a phone and at someone she cared about like us, but in that red mist moment logical thinking does not happen. Kicking, pushing, slapping and gripping arms until they hurt and bruised were also common.

The most common triggers for the red mist are being told "no", things not going to plan or confiscation of an electronic device. However the reaction does depend slightly on how she is doing at school, what friends she has and how happy or not she is generally with life. 

Over the last couple of years, she is now nearly 15, we have had support from CAMHS, an adoption support social worker and another family therapist. We have also attended Safebase training and post adoption support groups. Things are starting to improve, we have taken bits of advice and support from all above and amalgamated many different approaches - one size never fits all as they say.

We recognise signs of red mist, give her time to cool down in her own space, we let her slam the door and swear and pretend to ignore as complaining adds fuel to the fire. If she gets angry we quickly withdraw, attempting to calm or make physical contact winds her up further. Certain hotspots in the house have had potential big throwing items put elsewhere, eg Hoover never left out on landing anymore, bookcase not by her bedroom door, tv mounted higher on wall. We try to also ignore smaller misdemeanours, giving more attention and praise than previously for positive behaviour. she finds verbal praise hard to take so post it notes and cards are used a lot, cards are treasured and put in her keepsake box or stuck to her wall. We try to always be consistent as a partnership and certain family "rules" are written down. She has timetable for getting to school, timetable for school, timetable for getting to bed. She needed more structure and less unpredictability. she also has a statement at school now and is being treated for previously undiagnosed ADHD. She is going to a new club and has made some friends. We have found out more about her birth parents which has been shared with her. 

Things do still flare up, and I still feel like I am walking on eggshells much of the time, but I have had no bruises for over a year and less things have been broken. Things are calmer for all and she is happier which makes us all happier.

A week ago she insisted on watching a program - "Born Naughty" On TV. I watched it with her, although I often avoid these programs. She watched carefully and made lots of comments and said "I know how they (the children) feel, I feel poorly after I get angry I don't like it. I worry and that is why I get angry. I can't believe I used to be as bad as that - shocking. I feel better now we are all getting help."

I feel somewhat concerned about writing this post due to the subject matter, as I know one day she will read my blog posts and I do not want her to be upset, that is partly why I write under a "pseudonym". However I thought it was important to share and show that things can improve and change, hopefully permanently. At times I used to be in a very sad place feeling very isolated, I want others to know it is alright to share and ask for help,and I hope you get it. Organised help (and Twitter of course!) have made a big difference to me in particular and of course to my daughter.

She does still blow up, but it is now less frequently and involves less damage to all involved physically and emotionally.

Today I get a lovely card from her, picture attached 😊. 

Just as I am posting this she has thrown her kindle against her wardrobe and broken it.😔

The Bedroom Door

Trying to become less angry (a few weeks ago) about property damage, I wrote a poem about my daughters bedroom door. I'm not a poet and was not going to share it but recent tweets have suggested it might make people smile??!!

So here goes

The bedroom door

Once I was clean and somewhat sturdy,

Over the years I've become battered and dirty.

Battered from slamming and shoving and kicking,

Dirty from marking and writing and sticking.

I am holding on tightly, by hinges so weak,

That now I've developed a very loud creak.

Time has come for me to go,

Replacement looms, I surely know.

My owner wants me to remain,

He's mine, I hear her loudly proclaim

She doesn't like change, no not all

Even if it's just the replacement of an old door.

So I have been given a little bit longer

Patched up and glued to get a bit stronger.

Like many other broken things here,

Maybe I'll last for another year?

I can not photo the door as her name is all over it! So I've taken a picture from a very old book, no copyright restrictions, with instructions on how to mend a door!

Trying to be positive

Weekly Adoption Shout Out theme this week is about what we do to keep positive

This is HARD!

First of all, I find it impossible to stay positive all the time, even the majority of the time, but I would like to think I am learning how to be less negative and not to always fear the worse!

I am trying to do the following -

1. Keep a record of positive things they say or do even if these things seem very small.

2.  To put the difficult times to one side and move on. Learn from them but not dwell on them.

3. Talk to others in similar situations

4. Remember self care and make time to do it

5. Use distraction techniques for self and child - laughter, singing and music

6. Get enough sleep, I am always more positive if I am less tired

Thoughts

When I do the above I cope better, am generally "more chilled out" and this is picked up by my children. They visibly relax more and are "nicer" to me. I can't do it all the time, but am getting better. I hold onto the fact that "no matter what" I love them (even if I find their behaviour at times deeply upsetting) and that deep down they love us even if they can't show it at the time.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words .........

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words .........

Some thoughts on WORDS from our children

Can be -

Wounding

Offensive

Ruthless

Destructive

Sad

But also can be -

Wonderful

Observant

Responsive

Dazzling

Sensitive

Thoughts

It's just a bit like a roller coaster as to what comes out from their mouths and also how we are feeling at the time as to how we receive, process and deal with them.

I try to remember to praise words and phrases that come into the second category but am often "too busy" or too tired. When I respond inappropriately to words in the first category it is because I am "too busy", too tired, too angry or too upset. Yet I often wonder what is an appropriate way to respond to offensive and hateful language. As they get older we try to talk a bit about their feelings when they are calmer, but it doesn't always work!

Light at the end of the tunnel

This week WASO has really made me think hard. I did a blog post that would have fitted this week's theme, last week!

See - Growing Up - Three Big Steps, mrsowpa.blogspot.co.uk

Oh well here goes, yes we have come a long way! A start is the fact that we have a family, 20 years ago we never thought this would happen. Our family is a little different from many and is complex but it is still a family. 

Our eldest child is more a young man now, trying to be as independent as possible while still enjoying benefits of living at home - food, washing, lifts, money subs!

Our daughter has more challenges with life as you can see from previous posts, but we have come a long way with her too. This post has caused me to reflect more about her and other big steps in her growing up.

Two years ago, she would not bathe or shower unless I helped her, yet before each washing episode there would be a rage. I think it was the toddler brain wanting help and comfort, fighting with the teenage brain who wanted control and independence. At the time she was also refusing any other sort of physical contact/comfort. Now however she is happy showering by herself, and she will come and demand hugs. Yes shower room is a complete state and yes, hugs are on her terms, but WHAT PROGRESS!

Graffiti and carving, are loads less and she now uses post it notes to vent her feelings on her bedroom walls, she also loves sticker emblems and letters of the alphabet to collage on her walls. I think things have helped, as I don't get so uptight about it, and let her do her own thing with her bedroom. She has a match pot of paint for occasional lapses, and we made a fabric cover to cover her carved bed head!

Bed times have always been a battle, early last year she was not asleep until midnight or later, most nights, we were all knackered! We have now had help with this and the majority of nights she is settled by 22.30. This would be good for most 14 year olds but for her it's incredible!

Secondary school is very challenging for her, but we have much better communication with them than primary school. She finally has a statement which also helps. The SENCO and some of her teachers really seem to "get" the attachment stuff and like her for herself! The careers lady, also recently met us and has talked to us about many creative educational opportunities for after GCSEs, that we did not know about.

Thoughts-

We still have many ongoing habits/behaviours that have not changed much, and she is forever trying out new ways to seek our attention. Unfortunately she still wants attention whether it is for negative or positive behaviour and her brain does not always choose the best option or think of the consequence! We are learning and understanding better, we think. We did not even know about attachment theories related to adoption until 5 years ago! We adopted them very young, when the research was also in its infancy, and so did not get warned of what to look out for, or how to support these children in the best way. 

I often feel for every step forward we take, we take two steps back. This is negative and unfair. Thankyou WASO for spurring me to do this piece of reflection even though it was hard! Our children are safe, comfortable and loved, we have a lot of happy times, and we are a family. How far we've come......

There is light starting to show towards the end of the rather long tunnel!

 

Growing Up - 3 Big Steps

Growing Up - 3 Big Steps this week.😊

First mega step! - Work Experience at 14!

Miss O has many issues with authority, anger, focus, timekeeping, clumsiness, and messyness at school and home so I was dreading her initial spell of work experience which they do fairly early at her school.

However, work experience this week, despite all my concerns, has gone well. She got there on time, each morning with much cajoling from us. I helped her to arrange it in a local hairdressers where she has been going most of her life.  She looked smart and adhered to their dress code - amazing! She has learnt to answer the phone politely, make bookings, use the money till and card machine, make tea/coffee, wash hair with the appropriate amount of shampoo(!), do hairstyles, prepare brushes etc. and done a lot of cleaning! I would not have believed it unless the manager had told me! I went in one day and she washed my hair very nicely.

She did text a few times - it is too hard, it is too boring - but we responded positively or ignored and she stayed each day.

She has filled in her work experience journal nicely with supervision by one of the salon girls and has got photos of some of her work. Wow!

She gained a few tips and a free hair do and, as she finds verbal praise hard to take, we have given her a card to say how proud we are of her and a shopping token. She liked this and has card displayed on her bedroom wall.

Second Step - Socialising

Miss O has always found it hard to make and sustain friendships, particularly at school. She has also never got on well in "clubs" despite support from the leaders. Miss O now has a strong friendship with a girl at school in the year below and for the last 3 weeks they have been attending and enjoying a singing club, she announced on Friday she'd be going at least twice in half term! Despite being nervous on first attendance, the prescience of a friend has done wonders. 

A boy, vetted by me, of course(!), is also on the scene - watch this space!

Third Step

Initiating cleaning and tidying!!!!!!

Miss O is not renowned for cleaning up after herself,to put it politely, but she never fails to surprise me.

We were going to be giving a lift to a friend of hers. I heard the Hoover going outside. To my amazement  she was cleaning and hoovering the car completely spontaneously, she claimed it was "RANK" and no friend of hers could travel in it! She had assembled various cleaning products, rags and rubber gloves. We have had to go through the rubbish bag she put "rubbish" in as she was not very discerning, but the car has a lovey smell now and shiny mirrors!

Thoughts

What a great week, we've had. As I said we are really proud of her, although I always have the little gremlin in the back of my head saying "don't get secure....it won't be like this for long....it will be awful again soon..." I need to bank positive days/weeks like this to look back on when days are more cloudy, and think of the future more positively.

Reasons to be Cheerfull

Reasons to be -

C hildren

H usband

E ar phones

E lectric food mixer

R adio

F ood

U tensils

L ove  😃