Trying to be positive

Weekly Adoption Shout Out theme this week is about what we do to keep positive

This is HARD!

First of all, I find it impossible to stay positive all the time, even the majority of the time, but I would like to think I am learning how to be less negative and not to always fear the worse!

I am trying to do the following -

1. Keep a record of positive things they say or do even if these things seem very small.

2.  To put the difficult times to one side and move on. Learn from them but not dwell on them.

3. Talk to others in similar situations

4. Remember self care and make time to do it

5. Use distraction techniques for self and child - laughter, singing and music

6. Get enough sleep, I am always more positive if I am less tired

Thoughts

When I do the above I cope better, am generally "more chilled out" and this is picked up by my children. They visibly relax more and are "nicer" to me. I can't do it all the time, but am getting better. I hold onto the fact that "no matter what" I love them (even if I find their behaviour at times deeply upsetting) and that deep down they love us even if they can't show it at the time.

Light at the end of the tunnel

This week WASO has really made me think hard. I did a blog post that would have fitted this week's theme, last week!

See - Growing Up - Three Big Steps, mrsowpa.blogspot.co.uk

Oh well here goes, yes we have come a long way! A start is the fact that we have a family, 20 years ago we never thought this would happen. Our family is a little different from many and is complex but it is still a family. 

Our eldest child is more a young man now, trying to be as independent as possible while still enjoying benefits of living at home - food, washing, lifts, money subs!

Our daughter has more challenges with life as you can see from previous posts, but we have come a long way with her too. This post has caused me to reflect more about her and other big steps in her growing up.

Two years ago, she would not bathe or shower unless I helped her, yet before each washing episode there would be a rage. I think it was the toddler brain wanting help and comfort, fighting with the teenage brain who wanted control and independence. At the time she was also refusing any other sort of physical contact/comfort. Now however she is happy showering by herself, and she will come and demand hugs. Yes shower room is a complete state and yes, hugs are on her terms, but WHAT PROGRESS!

Graffiti and carving, are loads less and she now uses post it notes to vent her feelings on her bedroom walls, she also loves sticker emblems and letters of the alphabet to collage on her walls. I think things have helped, as I don't get so uptight about it, and let her do her own thing with her bedroom. She has a match pot of paint for occasional lapses, and we made a fabric cover to cover her carved bed head!

Bed times have always been a battle, early last year she was not asleep until midnight or later, most nights, we were all knackered! We have now had help with this and the majority of nights she is settled by 22.30. This would be good for most 14 year olds but for her it's incredible!

Secondary school is very challenging for her, but we have much better communication with them than primary school. She finally has a statement which also helps. The SENCO and some of her teachers really seem to "get" the attachment stuff and like her for herself! The careers lady, also recently met us and has talked to us about many creative educational opportunities for after GCSEs, that we did not know about.

Thoughts-

We still have many ongoing habits/behaviours that have not changed much, and she is forever trying out new ways to seek our attention. Unfortunately she still wants attention whether it is for negative or positive behaviour and her brain does not always choose the best option or think of the consequence! We are learning and understanding better, we think. We did not even know about attachment theories related to adoption until 5 years ago! We adopted them very young, when the research was also in its infancy, and so did not get warned of what to look out for, or how to support these children in the best way. 

I often feel for every step forward we take, we take two steps back. This is negative and unfair. Thankyou WASO for spurring me to do this piece of reflection even though it was hard! Our children are safe, comfortable and loved, we have a lot of happy times, and we are a family. How far we've come......

There is light starting to show towards the end of the rather long tunnel!